Haters Gonna Hate

A little over a year ago this was published on HuffPost. It was the first time I really put anything personal on the internet, and it was a whirlwind. I mean I went big I suppose, writing about a very controversial topic and publishing it for the world to see. I knew in advance I was asking for a beating, and boy did I get it.

Let’s be clear. I had an affair. I hurt people I loved in doing so. And then I wrote about it and said I wouldn’t take it back if I were given the chance. And I gave my article a very sensational title. And then I shared it on one of the most well-known sites out there. There was no way that I wasn’t going to be HATED. I was prepared for it. As I read each and every one of the comments on that page, Tyler and a couple other close friends told me I was crazy. But I wanted to know what was being said because I thought it was possible I’d get some good out of it. I was right.

I went back to take a look at those comments as I started to write this, but they are nowhere to be found. Obviously the original piece is still there, but none of the craziness that indued after it was published is. It’s probably better that way, but that means you can’t see exactly what I’m talking about here. You’ll just have to trust me.

Anyway, I learned three pretty valuable lessons from these comments.

Lesson 1: I need to be more clear, concise and pointed with the topics I choose to write about and the words I use to discuss them.

Reading through the comments I realized that what I thought I had been communicating really hadn’t come through the way I intended. So many times I just wanted to yell at my computer, “Yes, that’s what I’m saying!!” For instance one of the comments read, “If you had to have an affair then you had no business being married in the first place.” Well, duh. That’s what I was saying. At least I thought it was.

Of course there are going to be people who, for whatever legitimate reasons of their own, will never understand what I was trying to say regardless of how well I put it into words. But I have to believe that some of those comments wouldn’t have been made had I done a better job at using my words to get my point across.

Lesson 2: What others think about you does not define you.

The experience of having the affair and it’s aftermath toughened me up quite a bit. Like I said, for the first time in my life I wasn’t the “good girl,” and there was nothing I could do to change it. So I had to become okay being less than perfect in the eyes of others.

Those comments helped me take that a step further. The horrible, hateful things that were said to me and about me were just one person’s (well more like 200 persons’) opinion. But fuck that. I know I’m not a horrible human being. I know I don’t deserve to be spit on in the street or murdered in my sleep (the things people say when they have the internet to hide behind…!!). I know I’m a better woman for having gone through this. Watching people call me a monster and knowing for a fact that I’m not, put things into a perspective I’d never considered before.

Sometimes, other people just don’t know what they are talking about. And that’s okay.

Lesson 3: Most importantly, I learned that I’m not nearly as “weird” as I once thought.

I was expecting the outpouring of meanness. I was not expecting the outpouring of support from people I don’t know and have never met. Nor was I expecting to hear from so many people in my own life who wanted to tell me that they had been through something similar. I was certainly not expecting any of these people to THANK me for putting myself out there.

Of course there are going to be people who can’t relate to what I have to say. And of course there are going those who judge me for what I do. And OF COURSE those people are going to be more vocal about their opinions than the others. Whatever. that’s their prerogative. But on the flip side there are so many whose beliefs and experiences are similar to mine but who are simply not comfortable sharing them.

I’m lucky enough that I have the ability to put my thoughts out into the world without fear that that world will come crumbling down around me. That is why I started this blog. That is why I’m so insistent upon being honest in this space, even when it’s difficult. None of us weirdos are alone in this world, after all.

So I suppose I should say “Thanks!” to all of the HuffPost commenters whose words, kind or not, helped fuel some of the accomplishments I’m most proud of from the past year. 

2 thoughts on “Haters Gonna Hate

  1. L says:

    Thinkers gonna think
    I think, from what I’ve seen anyway, what you write on here is wonderful. My favorite thing, you touch on psychology and certain therapy applications, and one of my favorites here. Part of getting comfortable with you is learning that the things you do, or feelings you have are in units of you. Every day is a Melissa kind of day, and if you step out of that- you acknowledge it and make the stride back to center. No one is perfect- but how many of us have striven for this, part knowing the impossibility more so the older we grow? You’re definitely not alone there- striving for excellence was highly valued in my life from the time I could stand. It is said that, to undo this kind of thinking can take double the time to get out that it took to get in – but living life with intense intent – intelligence comes from being able to look back and see yourself as cool as Sinatra, ‘I did it my way’ – you know who you are and that is great! Time is a thing made by man, who you are, how you live, is again units of Melissa- you create in a way singular to you. I’m always impressed at how you share it, a two way of expression and reception- what you do takes courage. As always, well done, and thanks for putting it out there. Cheers! 🍸


  2. Abby says:

    Are people haters for pointing out the truth of your utter self centered-ness? You navel gaze about the life altering benefits of screwing over your spouse. It is all about you. That is worthy of comment. It is not hateful to observe truth. Your article showed no true growth from the affair, just that being busted freed you up to do what you want. Slow clap. I am glad you are now in an honest open marriage but don’t whitewash the past. Just because something good came out of the bad does not mean it should have happened or was the only way for it to happen. Truly kind people ask for divorces and are upfront with their spouses all the time. You messed around and publicly write about how great It was and how it taught you so much – about yourself. It is all about you.

    This is where many comments are coming from – the valid observation and disagreement is hardly being a “hater.” Remorse and soul searching and actually owning your infidelity would be something beneficial. Your poor ex. How humiliating to see your writing about it like this, some salt in the wound.

    I write this as someone who almost cheated but chose to actually own her shit and not follow that path. I am also close to a dear friend actually cheated in a weak moment but she owned her shittiness and was remorseful and didn’t take to the internet to rub her ex’s nose in how it taught her something. Mostly it just wrecked her life, her kids don’t speak to her (can’t blame them) but she is now living from a place of actual honesty and swallowing her pride to try and forge reconciliation with the kids and family members. Yes she did get out of a shitty marriage but she recognizes and owns she did it the wrong way. She doesn’t pretend it is some rainbow teaching moment and somehow all worth it. For that, I respect her.


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